29 April 2013

Never Fear.

I suppose I'd best begin this post by saying that I have officially decided on attending the University of Utah this fall! I will be studying architecture, and living off campus with a dear friend of mine.

I also feel the need to tell you that I am writing this post on the edge of my bath tub, as I am soaking my sore feet after a very long barefooted walk. It feels fantastic. Although trying to break my feet in, getting them used to rough ground is not the most pleasant experience.

Downtown Salt Lake City

I love sincerity and candor and I feel the need to express that now. You don't have to be brilliant to see that I've mentioned little to nothing about the University of Utah before now. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure this is the first time that I've ever posted about it on my blog. You are probably wondering, why Utah?

This simple and quick answer is finances. I simply cannot afford going to school at the Pratt Institute. Which really, really sucks. Despite my qualifications, my talent, m hard work and my grades, and despite the fact that I have earned a spot at the 11th school in the nation for Undergraduate architecture, I am barred due to economic circumstance.

Writing that out felt good.

I promise, I am not upset. I mean, I was upset. I cried about it for 4 days afterwards, and fankly I still don't think I'm fully over it. But I feel happy where I am. I'm glad to know at least that I will still be studying architecture, and I won't be a lifetime in debt before I even get to graduate school. I get to room with a really good friend of mine in Salt Lake City, and I get to keep my car and all my old furniture. 

A recent Temple I designed

And there are lots of other benefits too. Going to the U means that I also get to go to school with lots of kids from here in Utah, and it also means that I get to be more involved in LGBT-LDS activities, including USGA, LDS Affirmation and Mormons Building bridges. I also get to live off campus in a city that I've grown to know very well. I've posted about my love of downtown and the city multiple times, and I finally get the opportunity to live life urban-style. I also will be able to help out with debate at my old high school and I get to stay close to family. 

I think right now I'd like to give a couple of shoutouts. I'm not sure if you can imagine, but having expectations change into a reality in such a short period of time is awful. I'm really glad I had the friends I do have for being there for me every step of the way. I'm particularly grateful for Allison Oligschlaeger for letting me cry to her and for giving me yummy bagels in my sadness. I want to thank Aerielle Barlow for being my best friend and for understanding how to best comfort and distract me. I want to thank Robyn Boyd for being fabulous and wonderful and loving me so much. There are some really great people in this world, and I'm really blessed to know several of them.

Although I should be in the middle of writing a synthesis essay, and furthermore I should be in the middle of studying my brains out for AP tests, I've found myself rereading The Great Gatsby. I've read it twice before for school, but I don't think I've ever found it so beautiful and inspiring as I have this time. If I might share with you a beautiful passage concerning Gatsby and his view on life,

"But his heart was in a constant, turbulent riot. The most grotesque and fantastic conceits haunted him in his bed at night. A universe of ineffable gaudiness spun itself out in his brain while the clock ticked on the washstand and the moon soaked with wet light his tangled clothes upon the floor.
Each night he added to the pattern of his fancies until drowsiness closed down upon some vivid scene with an oblivious embrace. For a while these reveries provided an outlet for his imagination; they were a satisfactory hint of the unreality of reality, a promise that the rock of the world was founded securely on a fairy's wing."

I find that so beautiful, and so powerful.

Queer Prom!
I suppose that recently my firm idea of my future was founded on lesser ideas and expectations. Fitzgerald seems to understand that. I wish I could have more control over my life. I wish I was able to help others more fully. I am sincerely happy with where I am in life. I'm not the type of person to beat around the bush. I've vocally expressed my feelings of doubt and insecurity multiple times before on this blog. What I write here I mean. 

I love you. I write this virtually at the end of every post, but I do mean it. I love you for being my friend. For listening to my worlds and experiencing life through my limited medium. I love you for being kind and for being a fellow member of our wonderful human family. I love you for your unique intelligence and for the experience that you are having for yourself on this earth.

I love you, and I mean that.


  1. I've had to make some decisions like this as well. Always hard, always worth it. Wish you the best!!

  2. Adore you. Simply adore.

    And that quote seems extraordinarily powerful tonight. Thank you for it!

    We'll be happy, Aar-bear. I'm convinced. :)

  3. You're so deep, real, and wonderful. I just adore reading your blogs!